Couple's therapy

Each relationship is a different voyage. We each bring to the relationship our own history- our wounds and our joyous memories, our learned ways of coping, the values we were brought up with, the sets of behaviours that were modelled to us, the verbal and nonverbal messages about men, women, love, and sexuality. Relating to another  human being is a complicated adventure that can be healing and enabling, or fraught with frustration and pain, and often is both.

The task of maintaining a close and satisfying relationship on a long term scope, facing the stressors of life, the maturation of the relationship, and the changing needs of the individuals within it, is enormous.  
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Couples may find themselves struggling to maintain passion as the relationship becomes safe and predictable, or as daily tasks draw them further apart. They may start having conflicts around how responsibilities and power are shared, and how different life tasks (like raising children, dealing with finance, extended family) are tackled. Partners may struggle to​allow each other freedom to develop as individuals, while trusting their loyalty and commitment. 
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Sexuality

Often relational difficulties express themselves in the sexual and intimacy sphere. Stressors in our current relationship, our feelings about our bodies and ourselves as sexual beings, old messages about sexuality, as well as our own sexual and relational history all affect our sexual experience.

Sexual relationship requires our ability to embrace ourselves as sexual beings, to focus on our bodily experience, and to nourish our fantasies; to ask for what we want, and to attend to our partner’s needs, to take charge, and to be able to let go. It requires our ability to expose ourselves and reveal our needs and longings, and to allow our partner to meet them, which can be very gratifying but also very scary. We therefore may mentally 'cut off' from our partner, or 'cut off' from our body. We may tense up or distract ourselves.

​We may feel high pressure to perform, or to be available for sex. Fears and anticipation of failure impact our sexual experience, which may lead to feelings of shame, guilt and more anxiety in following sexual experiences creating a snowball effect.
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When partners have unresolved conflicts both tend to feel painfully rejected and criticised. Understandably they find it difficult to listen to the other's point of view without feeling attacked. Therapy offers a safe space where both sides will be listened to with empathy. Partners will be encouraged to try out different skills that support open and respectful communication. They will be empowered to express their feelings in a non blaming way and  helped to listen to their partner's different and valid experience. We will look at the couple's strengths and how to build on them, as well as their unhelpful patterns of relating, and how to change them. 
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This can cause great tension in a relationship. Partners may also have different experiences and expectations from their sexual life. There may be tensions regarding the frequency, and preferences, which can lead to feelings of frustration and rejection in one side, and feeling pressured and guilty in the other. 

​Fluctuations in the quality and frequency of sexual relationships are natural, and occur as life’s circumstances change. But if difficulties persist and cause distress it may be good to seek therapy.
 
I am aware of how exposing and sensitive sexual issues are for most people, and work with the utmost respect and sensitivity.  I would first asses the difficulties, and rule out medical causes. I will work to validate the partners' differing needs and longings and identify beliefs and personal experiences that may inhibit them. We will design practical homework that may aid the couple in their journey, and look at ways to allow both to get in touch with their sexual selves, and their passion.
 
Sometimes sexual issues are better worked through individually. These may include cases of sexual abuse or trauma, sexual addiction, or when people are not in a relationship.

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